When I initiated this blog, I wanted to be intentional about the body of my writings...along with some veering now and again to catch people up on what's going on. I wanted it to be a constant reminder of the struggle I've had my whole life. I struggle with contentment, as I stated in my very first entry. I know that I am not unique in dealing with this crisis between desires and patience. While there is an element of excitement in the waiting periods of life, kind of like the anticipation that used to mount between episodes of LOST, I still get frustrated and lose patience in limbo.
Now, I will say that it helps to have a life companion who is one of the most sweet, patient, understanding and laid-back people in the whole world. He brings perspective and reason to situations (I suffer from bouts of irrationality of which I am fully aware and choose to have the thought anyway) and doesn't seem to get ruffled over much at all (except for when he's behind in his Economist readings). Aside from that "strong tower" in my life, I still find myself wishing something about my life were different (this changes with the wind). Perhaps this struggle is partly a good thing. I always have something to strive towards, a chance to better myself somehow, to force myself to make changes in my life. Then again, I wish I could just be still and live in the moment (every moment) and enjoy what I have right now.
When it comes down to it, most of my frustration lies in my place of employment/occupation. I am not doing what I thought I would be doing 5-10 years ago (granted I was still in school up until 5 years ago). I definitely didn't think I would still be holding the title of Administrative Assistant, warming a chair 8 hours a day, 40 days a week. I know I am capable of SO much more than this, but yet, I don't have the first clue as to what I would like to be doing instead. I feel as if I've taken every possible if-this-is-what-you-are-good-at-this-is-what-you-should-be-doing test. I've asked various trusted friends and family members what they think my strengths and weaknesses are and what type of job they could see me doing. It's just hard to nail down a specific career given what I know about myself. It's not as cut and dry as say a teacher, nurse, lawyer, doctor, professional gymnast, chef or any other such ultra-specific career. I really wish that I was one of those kids that always seemed to know what they'd be pursuing in their adult life. Nope, not me! *sigh*
I didn't have expectations of writing this blog entry today and somehow becoming enlightened by it, but it helps to get the thoughts out there (for the two of you who read this) and not stuck in my head constantly running in circles.
Anyone else struggling with this right now?
6 comments:
I am actually not struggling with this as much as I used to. I am pretty content! :-) I love you!
Of course you are. :)
i can so relate. for me it was especially hard after i got married, it almost made my career discontent worse in some weird way. try to just enjoy this season of being married and being in love. it's hard, i felt so restless right after i got married and wanting to find my purpose but finally i just realized my purpose was to just be married for the moment and that helped alot. the job was just a means to an end - then i got a job i thought i would enjoy and well.....you know that story. :) now that i'm expecting i feel so much more contentment and joy than any job has ever given me, it's a very peaceful feeling. i pray the same happens for you whether it's finding purpose in a new job or career or some way you can volunteer or with your family. i am not sure if any of that made sense, sorry for the rambling. :)
I've been there. For me it took the birth of my child to push me to do something more than wait tables (which I was very sick of doing at the time). When my son was born, and my partner and I decided to move 7 hours away from the place I'd spent my whole life for his schooling, I finally decided to just go for whatever. I applied for university not totally sure that it was what I wanted to do, but a year later I'm sure that I am where I'm supposed to be. Not everyone was born to be a doctor or lawyer or teacher. Some of us were lucky enough to be born with the ability to do many things, and therefore have trouble deciding on one thing. You don't have to choose a career forever, and you don't have to see it as your life's purpose. Just try something that you think you would like because chances are it will be more interesting than staying where you know you don't want to be!
Thank you for the encouragement girls! It's scary to think about moving on sometimes when there are other more pressing goals like paying off debt (and therefore staying at my job because it pays well). I don't feel like it would be the most responsible thing to leave because my husband isn't making enough on his own for me to work part time or go back to school. I know that I have a lot of options and that I will eventually find something I enjoy... perhaps it may be just being a mother (which is at least a couple years away)!
I'm looking into doing some things on the side and enjoying being at home for a few weekends in a row soon!
Thank you again for the advice and encouragement! I'm perfectly fine most days, but I think I tend to post to my blog when I feel the need to vent (because it's an outlet for me). I am bad about keeping things inside and then I just have to expel some of the anxiety at some point. :)
I am responding to one of your older posts, but I wanted to say that I completely understand where you are and where you've been. Like you say, journaling in a blog is a way of just speaking from the heart. I do think that we are where we are at a time or season in our life for a purpose that we may never know, but God knows and He reveals it to us sometimes. Even though we get frustrated waiting, etc, there may be a far greater purpose that pleases Him. You are a beautiful creation of the most Holy God and He has a love far deeper than mine for you! I love you, Hanna Marie, and am so glad that God blessed us with you! - Mama
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